


you're everything I love about the things I hate in me

by lifewasradical



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Illegal Activities, Luke is probably 24 and Ashton is probably 26 but it is not disclosed, M/M, Mentions of Police - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Unrequited Love, description of panic attack, like actual description of Luke having a panic attack and Michael helping him out of it, stealing a street sign?, uhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:28:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26868157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/pseuds/lifewasradical
Summary: “We’re going to steal a street sign?” Luke asked incredulously, eyebrows shooting up at the statement.“Well, yeah.”Or, the one where Ashton wants to steal a street sign for the man he is infatuated with and enlists Luke to help him.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin (mentioned), Luke Hemmings & Michael Clifford (Friendship), Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	you're everything I love about the things I hate in me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first official fic after like... a solid 6-7 years of not writing anything! I have had this sitting in my drafts for somewhere around 3 months but here I am, ready to take the leap back into fix writing! We'll see what happens but I still have some really interesting ideas for the future!
> 
> Below is an overuse of italics, a VERY self indulgent storyline, and a healthy dose of anxiety! 
> 
> Title from Safest Place by All Time Low.

There were a lot of things that Luke hated about himself, but his biggest annoyance was his complete inability to say no to anything Ashton asked of him. Luke’s absolute disregard for his own sanity over Ashton’s is how he ended up leaving the comfortable confines of his bed to take a drive across town after getting a vague text from the other man, asking Luke to come pick him up for “an adventure” at just about midnight.  
  
Luke could barely muster up the courage to put the car in park as he idled in front of Ashton’s apartment building. The unknowns of the situation had Luke contemplating turning around right then, not even telling Ashton that he had arrived, and going back to bed. Ashton would understand- it was one in the morning after all, and Luke had to teach in children bright and early. He needed all the extra sleep he could get to combat the shrieks and giggles of his second graders.  
  
Instead, Luke was thrown from his indecisive thoughts when there was a sharp knock on the passenger side window. Luke’s heart jumped as he rolled down the window to see Ashton’s face smirking back at him.  
  
“Get out, I’m driving”, Ashton insisted, circling the black car slowly. Ashton held a knowing smirk on his face, wrapped in grey sweatpants and a dark hoodie, the standard apparel for their late-night drives. Luke followed his request, sliding into the passenger seat of his own car, accidentally slamming the door behind him, feeling his cheeks flush slightly. Once Ashton had settled behind the wheel, Luke voiced his concern, pulling anxiously at the skin around his fingernails.  
  
“Where are we going?” he asked timidly, feeling the burn of anxiety settling in his stomach.  
  
Adventures were common for the duo, but Ashton only asked to drive when he had a set destination in mind. More often than not, they drove aimlessly out to the middle of nowhere, taking in the scenic towns and winding roads, talking about absolutely nothing and yet everything at the same time, the age-old cliché not being lost. They found solace together, watching the winding roads unravel and the stars glitter above them. This was their routine, but Luke was always the one to initiate the adventures, never Ashton.  
  
Ashton grinned, tongue cheekily poking out from behind his teeth. “If I tell you, I don’t think you’ll come with me,” he cooed, throwing a wink in for good measure, sending Luke’s heart into overdrive. Luke furrowed his eyebrows, another wave of stress floating into his mind as a subtle blush crept over his cheeks in the darkness of the car. Ashton was forever the daredevil, pushing the limits and not caring about the consequences. Luke, however, was cautious, thinking of the worst possible scenarios every time they got together- yet he would follow Ashton to the edge of the world if it meant they got to spend more time together.  
  
Ashton simply reached across the center console, dropping a warm hand against Luke’s thigh. “Only if you’re okay with it, I could do it alone if you’re too nervous”, Ashton replied calmly but with a slightly judgmental demeanor, thumb stroking over Luke’s thigh in what was meant to be a comforting way. Instead, it resulted in Luke’s heart racing, thumping in his chest as if it was trying to escape from its confines.  
  
“You make it seem like we’re about to murder someone,” Luke laughed nervously, trying unsuccessfully to even out his voice to mask his concern.  
  
“Look, it’s fine, we don’t have to,” Ashton reasoned, beginning to unbuckle his seat belt. Luke knew he was accepting whatever fate the other man brought to him the moment that he got out of the car. He wasn’t one for missed opportunities, especially when Ashton was involved.  
  
“Fuck no, of course I’m in. Let’s go.”

* * *

The winding back roads of a small, northern town brought no comfort in the middle of the night. Luke and Ashton had circled these roads countless times, out on late night drives when one of them couldn’t sleep. These roads normally felt like home, but instead they brought Luke an overwhelming sense of dread with uncertainty and confusion clouding the familiar feeling of content that should find a spot in his chest. It took nearly twenty minutes of driving for Ashton to finally disclose the nature of their expedition.  
  
When Ashton had asked Luke to accompany him on this drive, Luke was elated for a fleeting moment, nearly floating to his car before his mind kicked into overdrive and caused him to overanalyze everything. Luke was normally the one to request Ashton’s presence, with Ashton having too much pride to be the one to ask for help when he needed it. Granted, if Luke had known the real reasoning behind the trip, he might have said no, a fact that Ashton had alluded to before they even left. Regardless, Luke wasn’t prepared for the sentence that came out of Ashton’s mouth.  
  
“We’re going to steal a street sign?” Luke asked incredulously, eyebrows shooting up at the statement.  
  
“Well, yeah”, Ashton lamely replied, pulling a hand through his curls and shifting his eyes over to Luke momentarily before fixing them back on the open road. “Calum had mentioned wanting one, so I thought it might make him more interested if I was the one who brought it to him.”  
  
_Calum_. Of course, it was Calum. He was the true moving force behind everything that Ashton did, for every move that he made. Calum was Ashton’s latest conquest, the current star of Ashton’s daydreams. They had met at a bar downtown and found that they lived in the same apartment building, giggling over cheap vodka sodas and their hatred of the barking chihuahua down the hall.  
  
It wasn’t that Luke didn’t like Calum- he was truly a very nice guy, but Luke couldn’t help the detest at someone stealing Ashton away from him. Not that he had any claim on Ashton, but Ashton and Luke had been toeing the line between friends and more for months with nothing coming from it. Calum entering the picture solidified the lack of future for Luke and Ashton, though the truth was hard for Luke to swallow. He always dreamed of the moment that Ashton would realize Luke was the one, a grand declaration of love leading them down a road to happily ever after.  
  
But still, Luke couldn’t blame Ashton for not liking him back; he was so incredibly out of Luke’s league. Dark, flowing waves framed his face, hazel eyes glimmering with mischief and adoration at every moment. He was the life of every party; the first to arrive and the last to go, keeping the social scene alive while simultaneously taking care of everyone else. He charmed every person he’s ever met with easy smiles and a melodic giggle. The epitome of a people pleaser, the popular guy with more friends than he could count on all his fingers and toes. Luke was the opposite in every way- shy, reserved, careful. They had an unlikely friendship, yet it worked, despite their friends not understanding.  
  
“Oh, alright” Luke sighed, finally acknowledging Ashton’s statement after a beat or two too long. He was beginning to recognize the turns Ashton was making, climbing higher up a hill leading to a long road with no streetlights. Ashton had picked this sign strategically- not only was it the only “Hood Lane” in the state, but it was an unpaved road in the middle of nowhere, leaving the chances of someone catching them as slim to none. A light pop tune played on the radio, doing nothing to calm Luke’s nerves as they drove further out into the night.  
  
“How do you think you’re going to do this?” Luke asked, suddenly realizing that Ashton had likely never stolen a street sign before this. It didn’t seem like it was the easiest thing to do, typically towns don’t want their signs stolen so they should be attached to the metal poles fairly well.  
  
“I did some research” Ashton replied calmly, glancing at Luke out of the corner of his eye with a smirk. “It actually shouldn’t be that hard, I just need some leverage and I should be able to pop the sign right off the pole.”  
  
The confidence oozed from Ashton’s words, shaking Luke to the core. How could someone be so confident when doing something so illegal? This could get them arrested, or _worse_. But yet, a sick feeling of excitement pulled at his stomach; taking part in something like this would be once in a lifetime, even if it was going to help his crush get with someone else.  
  
_Crush_. Luke swallowed down that word, feeling childish for even referring to him as a crush. At this point, he was far more than just a crush- he was Luke’s whole world. A silly cliché, but it was how he felt, infatuated by every move that Ashton made. Ashton hung the stars in the sky for Luke, brought him true happiness when he was at his darkest. Sure, Ashton drove him absolutely up a wall sometimes, but Luke could do nothing but smile fondly at him in response. Sort of like he was doing right now, sitting in the passenger seat of his own car, struggling to hide his small smile at the sight of Ashton tapping his fingers along to some random song.  
  
The car finally rolled to a stop in front of the street sign, green slightly glimmering in the headlights. Luke held his breath, staring out at the “Hood Lane” sign that mocked him through the windshield, signifying the concrete end of whatever fake relationship the two of them were on the edge of. Ashton turned dramatically, grinning wildly back at Luke. “You ready?” he giggled, eyes flicking back and forth from Luke’s face to the sign ahead of them.  
  
Luke’s stomach was tied in knots, anxiety creeping into his throat with every beat of his heart. This suddenly felt like the worst idea possible. So much could go wrong, they could get caught, Ashton could get hurt, they could get eaten by some monster creeping out of the woods. While the last point was obviously nothing more than a stress induced nightmare, none of this felt like it would be worth it, but Luke would go to the end of the world for the man driving the car.  
  
“What do I do?” Luke finally asked, unbuckling his seatbelt. Ashton glanced at Luke, a slight hint of something in his eyes that caused Luke to squint his own in confusion. “You aren’t going to do anything. Maybe you can hold the flashlight but just let me do it, you’re just my moral support, just sit back and look pretty” Ashton grinned, hopping out of the car and practically skipping over to the pole. Luke cautiously got out, gripping onto his phone with the flashlight on to point it at Ashton as an act of assistance.  
  
With a slight jump and a push off a nearby rock, Ashton reached up and pulled on the top of the sign, wiggling it as he shifted his body weight to the ground. The sign fluttered under his weight, slightly tilting in its mount as he yanked it. It wasn’t quite enough, but one more rock of Ashton’s body weight should bring it down, Luke thought.  
  
Luke stood slightly to the side, shaking in the cool autumn air, on edge of every sound filling the air around them. Suddenly, the sound of gravel crunching filled Luke’s ears. Fear coursed through his veins as the realization of what was happening sunk in. “Fuck, Ashton, there’s a car coming, come on!” he spit, turning off the flashlight and tumbling towards the car. Ashton dropped from his hold on the sign, skirting around the side of the vehicle and into the driver’s side.  
  
The men held their breath as a car’s headlights came up behind them in the rearview mirror, slightly gleaming red and blue in the reflection. “Fuck Ashton, that’s a cop! We’re gonna get arrested, fuck, I’m gonna get fired and my life is going to be over and… fuck” Luke breathed out, panting in the silence of the car, bringing a hand up to cover his eyes.  
  
“Shut up, we’re fine, I promise, and if not, just let me do all the talking, okay?” Ashton whispered, reaching across the gear shift to grab the hand that wasn’t covering Luke’s eyes, lacing their fingers together like it was second nature.  
  
The strong sense of urgency in the situation was replaced with a warm blush pulling up over Luke’s cheeks. He gripped Ashton’s back, grounding himself in the clammy feeling against his soft skin and thanking god that it was dark enough that his reaction was covered. Ashton watched the cop car inching closer, every moment seeming like an eternity as they waited to see what fate was bringing them.  
  
Surely, the car continued along the road, passing Luke and Ashton without a second glance.  
  
After a beat, Luke let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding, slouching against the leather seat of the car in defeat. Ashton simply sighed, squeezing Luke’s hand once before releasing to pull on the door handle.  
  
“You can’t seriously be going back out there, it’s not going to work!” Luke cried, reaching out to grab Ashton’s shoulder in an attempt to stop him. Ashton paused, glancing back over his shoulder, grinning down at the nervous man beside him with a slightly devious smile.  
  
“Watch me.”  
  
He pushed the car door open, flitting back across the ground and over to the sign. Ashton did a small dance in the window in a feeble attempt to make Luke laugh, before jumping up to grab the sign again. Luke sucked in a breath between his teeth, watching Ashton dangle just above the ground with a tight grip on the metal sign. With two swings of his body weight, Ashton succeeded in bending the sign off the pole, tumbling back to the ground and landing on his back. Luke froze, knowing that Ashton should be okay, since it was only a few feet to fall, but as the moments passed and Ashton didn’t stand again, Luke’s nerves grew too tense to handle.  
  
Before he could even realize what he was doing, Luke was flying out of the car, running across the grass to where Ashton was laying. His stomach tumbled at the thought of Ashton hurting himself from his stupidity- imagining a slew of different possibilities in his head, ranging from a small injury to Ashton’s unfortunate death by street sign.  
  
Luke tumbled to his knees next to Ashton, ignoring the way the gravel sunk into the fabric of his joggers, tiny knives piercing his bony knees. He looked down at Ashton, expecting the absolute worst and steeling his nerves to go into crisis management mode. Instead, the older boy was smiling, watching the stars flicker in the sky above him.  
  
“Are you okay?” Luke breathed, ghosting a hand over Ashton’s arm where he could see a slightly bloody scape in the moonlight. “Hmm? Oh, I’m fine. Got the wind knocked out of me a bit but I just got distracted by the stars. We can’t see them from the city, yeah?” Ashton smiled, meeting Luke’s panicked gaze.  
  
It took a moment for Luke to process what Ashton said, but when he did, he barked out a short laugh, sounding equal parts shocked, enamored, and annoyed. “Asshole, I thought you were really hurt! Get up, we need to get out of here before we get caught” Luke scoffed, a small smile playing on his lips in fondness of the man in front of him while running his hand through his own curls.  
  
Ashton could do a million stupid things and Luke would still find it all endearing somehow. The very nature of their relationship was that- Ashton was toeing the line of self-destructive and Luke was always there to pull him back to earth. That’s why they worked; they balanced each other out like no one else could.  
  
With a grunt, Ashton rose from the ground, dusting off his hands and hissing at the raw skin on his elbows. “I really got myself on the gravel,” Ashton hummed, picking tiny rocks out of his arm. Luke immediately wiped his hands down Ashton’s back, removing bits of dirt and tar from his hoodie, sliding down until he was almost resting his hands on Ashton’s hips. If Ashton’s breath caught a bit at the sensation, Luke pretended he didn’t notice it, forever blaming his brain for creating scenarios that didn’t exist.  
  
“Calum better really appreciate this,” Ashton grinned, a slight teasing tone to his voice as he grasped the street sign in his left hand. Luke withdrew his hands from Ashton’s back quickly, almost gasping as if the fabric burned him. _Right, this was all about Calum_ , he reminded himself. With a forced smile, Luke turned back to the car, ignoring the feeling of despair crawling up his throat.  
  
Ashton stashed the sign in the back seat, pushing it under a blanket that Luke had back there for emergencies. The men settled back in their spots, silence falling between them thickly in the late-night darkness. Ashton started the car, engine filling their ears as they internally contemplated what they were going to do next. The thrill of adrenaline filled them both, successfully stealing a street sign was their goal and they did it; they did it together. Neither wanted the night to end here, though the responsible nagging in Luke’s heart reminded him that he had to teach children in just a few hours, and they would be awful if they know he was exhausted.  
  
Luke’s brain took this moment to bring up the fact that he was just there for support. He wasn’t necessary, and he could have been replaced at any moment by a different friend. Ashton didn’t actually need him here, he was just the only one who was awake and willing to do stupid crimes with him in the middle of the night. Ashton was popular, with many friends who would have been more than willing to assist in anything the man asked them to. He had a naturally persuasive way of speaking, always trustworthy, with intelligence oozing from every word he uttered. His effortless flirtation captivated everyone who spoke to him, luring them in with his hazel eyes and keeping them there with the false notions that they meant something to him. Luke was another pawn in his game and he kept letting himself get played.  
  
They had met in a class, back when they both were in college and still trying to figure out their lives. They didn’t run in the same circles, they didn’t have any mutual friends, and they didn’t really have much in common, yet something still drew them together. They loved spending time with each other and always had been since they first met, with Luke never quite fitting in with the rest of Ashton’s friends and vice versa. Their relationship formed naturally, forever confusing everyone around them. They shared long embraces in public and Ashton’s hand was stuck on Luke’s hip in crowded spaces. They were always getting questions about how long they had been dating, with Luke flaring bright red in response and Ashton coolly laughing off the tension.  
  
More often than not, Ashton found himself at Luke’s apartment across the city, fiddling with Luke’s record collection as Luke cooked dinner for them both. Dinner frequently became drinks, which lead to Ashton toppling into Luke’s bed instead of taking an Uber home, always just crossing the line of too domestic. Luke would just silently get in bed next to Ashton, willing the anxiety in his chest to fly away. Those were the nights that they would share everything, gentle memories of their past lives between the two, punctuated with drunken giggles and rambles.  
  
Ashton always pulled Luke to his chest, a gentle caress that bordered on romantic. Luke would fist his hand in his shirt, forgetting for a moment that they were best friends, nothing more, as Ashton’s palm laid across Luke’s hip. They’d fall into a comfortable sleep, the presence of another bringing the utmost feeling of content when they woke the next morning, even though Ashton often with a mouthful of Luke’s curls and Luke with Ashton’s cold toes pressed to his calves.  
  
Following those secret moments, Luke always wondered how many other people he was doing this with, how many other men or women Ashton was climbing into bed with. The wheels were always turning in Luke’s head, never allowing him to purely enjoy the moments of content with Ashton. Unspoken words hung between them on nights in his bed, circling his mind over and over as he desperately wanted to yell out what the fuck are we doing! into the dark night air. Tonight, sitting in his car in air thick with unsaid questions, was no exception.  
  
Ashton noticed Luke’s silence, the usual chatter between them falling empty amongst the hum of the engine and the sharp intakes of breath. “Tell me what’s wrong,” Ashton sighed, gripping Luke’s thigh once again. Luke sucked in a deep breath at the feeling of Ashton’s bare fingers against his pants, causing his thigh muscles to tense under his palm.  
  
Luke pushed Ashton’s hand off of him lightly, shifting away from the opportunity for him to hold it again with forced calmness. “Nothing, tired, you know I have to work tomorrow” Luke lied, blinking back tears that threatened his eyes for no good reason as he stared ahead out the windshield. _Stop being a baby_ , he willed himself, biting on his lip as if it would hold in the emotions. He had let himself get wrapped up in his mind again, a surefire way for Luke to lose all common sense and accidentally mess everything up.  
  
“Lu, I know you better than that, please don’t shut down,” Ashton pleaded, moving his hand up onto Luke’s, only for Luke to pull away instantly. “I said nothing’s wrong,” Luke brokenly spit, pulling his hand across his body to fiddle with his phone in lieu of actually continuing the conversation, willing the tears to hold back until Ashton was no longer looking at him. Luke knew he was acting childish, but the demon in his mind reminded him that he was nothing more than another friend to Ashton, that he only needed to get through about 30 more minutes of driving before he could get back to the safety of his bedroom.  
  
Ashton furrowed his brows, seemingly debating pushing harder even though he knew Luke was just going to get more worked up. For a moment, Luke thought he was going to force him to speak, eyes tracing Luke’s rigid shoulders, trailing over the features of his face like he was searching for a tiny crack, enough to push his way through the Luke’s mask. One sharp statement would be enough to break through, but Luke was at odds with himself, partially wanting Ashton to beg him to speak, but part of him not knowing what he would say if he got the chance.  
  
Instead of pushing, Ashton nodded, putting the car in drive and backing away from the empty signpost. Tense silence hung between them still, punctuated by every pothole that they encountered on the unpaved roads, the adrenaline draining from them both quickly as they got further from Hood Lane. A sick part of Luke was disheartened by Ashton’s acceptance of the silence, wanting to fight and argue, something to get out of the mindset he was currently in.  
  
Luke almost didn’t notice when Ashton picked up his phone, swiping around at the screen in search of something. The upbeat tones of All Time Low suddenly filled the car, guitar surrounding them with a giddy energy, echoing the emotions they should still be feeling after a job well done. Luke tried to hold back the smile, knowing all too well that Ashton didn’t actually listen to All Time Low, but knew that Luke had obsessively followed their career through the years. Ashton threw in his own harmonies, making up words and sounds to accompany the voices in the song, bringing a fond smile to Luke’s face.  
  
Ashton glowed under every streetlight they passed, shining a little brighter with the knowledge that he was successfully breaking down the wall that Luke had put up. As Ashton continued to sing along nonsense lyrics, Luke mumbled the correct lyrics under his breath, tapping his fingers along with the beat.  
  
“C’mon, you know the words, don’t let me make a fool of myself!” Ashton laughed, bobbing his head along with the sounds. “Seems like you’ve already done that” Luke added, biting his lip to hold back a smile. “Hey! I resent that! Just because I don’t listen to All Totally Lover doesn’t mean that I deserve to look foolish” Ashton joked, throwing a toothy grin back at his blushing passenger.  
  
Luke shook his head, reminding himself that Ashton flirts with everyone, there was no need to get overwhelmed by the boy driving his car. His inner mantra screamed _don’t fall for it again, you just helped him commit a crime for the man he is interested in, he doesn’t want you!_ but that didn’t stop the turning in his stomach as he was reminded how incredibly intimate this moment seemed, driving along the road back to Ashton’s apartment without a care in the world, listening to his favorite music. Luke silently cursed his brain for forever ebbing and flowing, never settling on content or distress for long enough to appreciate the feeling.  
  
Pulling out his phone, Luke tried to subtly take a video of Ashton messing up the lyrics, over exaggerated arm movements flying through the darkness in the car. Ashton caught Luke’s intentions, swinging his arm up and towards the camera, serenading the snapchat video with intent. Luke saved the video, but didn’t post it anywhere, allowing himself a small piece of happiness that he didn’t have to share with anyone else. Ashton continued his dancing, only to swing his arm up and around Luke’s shoulders, hand gripping the back of his neck.  
  
Luke’s breath hitched, feeling Ashton’s thumb rub lightly on the skin of his neck as the song came to a close. He wanted desperately to pull away, needing to have his hand off his skin now before the heat of his blush reached his neck. But Ashton settled there, toying with the loose blonde curls at the nape of his neck, almost eliciting a groan from Luke. He had to will himself to calm down, gulping dramatically as his throat ran dry at the thoughts littering his mind. He refused to let himself get worked up by this man, not now when he was stuck in the car with him for at least another twenty minutes.  
  
Ashton probably could feel Luke tense up under his hand, nerves driving his shoulders up at the new feeling of a hand on his neck. If he did, he didn’t comment as he focused his attention back on the road, familiar streets leading them back towards the city. Luke was almost able to forget his worries as Ashton’s hand continued in his hair, but he wasn’t going to forget the uncomfortable silence that was between them earlier. “Are you willing to tell me what’s wrong now?” Ashton muttered, stroking a finger through a soft curl.  
  
Luke pulled his head away, refusing to look at the man seated next to him. “Ash, don’t,” he warned, shifting a little in his seat. “C’mon Lu, you know you can tell me anything! You’re my best friend,” Ashton whined, scratching lightly at Luke’s scalp with just the tips of his fingers due to Luke’s distance. “Bullshit, you have a million other best friends,” Luke hissed quietly, picking at the skin around his nails as he let his insecurities get the best of him. He didn’t want to start this now, knowing that his baseless worries were bound to destroy the safe space they had created.  
  
Ashton cocked his head, not understanding where Luke was going with his remark. “And? You’re my best friend, Luke,” he reminded, eyes squinting in the darkness to try to catch Luke’s gaze as they rolled to a stop sign. Luke had never seen him look so beautiful, black curls tucked softly behind his ears with warm eyes gently pleading for clarification. He had to take a breath to strengthen himself, reminding his brain of the truth. _Calum_.  
  
“Yeah sure,” Luke groaned, rolling his eyes, “you would have been better off taking a different friend on this trip.” Ashton shook his head, truly not understanding what Luke was saying. “Luke, what? I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else out here with me, okay? You were the first person I asked, the only person I would have asked. I can’t imagine sharing this with anyone else.”  
  
Luke turned his head slightly, looking over to where Ashton was gripping the steering wheel with his left hand, right still pressed against Luke’s neck. The sincerity in his eyes, flitting from the road to Luke, proved that he was telling the truth, but Luke wasn’t quite ready to accept that yet. “Why didn’t you ask Sierra? Matt? KayKay? Or anyone else?” he pressed again, thinking of all the friends that Ashton spent more time with. All the friends that he didn’t let Luke interact with more than a hello in passing.  
  
Luke was an isolated part of Ashton’s life, separate from everyone else. Luke brought Ashton to meet his best friend, Michael, tried to involve him in all his parties and nights at the bar. In return, Ashton hid him from his friends, never introduced them when they were out and ran into someone he knew. Luke only knew their names from assorted stories or Instagram posts. Luke didn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed to be a part of Ashton’s everyday life. instead, he was tucked away in a closet, only to be brought out in times of need, like now.  
  
“What the fuck Luke, I wanted you here, what don’t you get about that?” Ashton growled, growing frustrated by Luke’s challenges. “I didn’t want to do this with Sierra or Matt or KayKay or anyone else, I thought this would be something fun for us to do together, though I’m starting to regret it with this shit” Luke bit his lip, facing towards the window again without a response. The anger Ashton directed at Luke left him unsettled, more uncomfortable than before with the current situation. Luke's eyes betrayed him, watering more with the statement and threatening to give him away to Ashton.   
  
“I don’t get why you’re so unable to understand that I want to spend time with you,” Ashton tried again, softer now, leaning forward a bit so he might catch Luke’s gaze, knowing he may have struck a nerve with the last comment. “I promise you that you’re my best friend, I love you, I wanted you here” Ashton sighed, thumb rubbing Luke’s neck once again in an attempt to be comforting.  
  
Luke turned his head, leaning back into Ashton’s grasp and basking in the _I love you_ , while also willing his mind to let it go as the friendly statement that it was. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just can’t help but think that there would be someone else you should have brought with you,” he replied quietly, smiling softly in the passing headlights, choking back the last of his tears and praying they kept away, at least until he was home and able to feel his full range of emotions. Ashton turned his head towards Luke, eyes focusing on each other in the gleam of the stoplight ahead of them.  
  
A new feeling rose in the air, Luke unintentionally looking down at Ashton’s lips, wondering what it would be like if they bridged the gap between them now. This very situation had come up one too many times, Ashton leaning close enough to touch, often in bed while their sanity was masked by vodka and late night delirium. Regardless, this time it felt real, tangible in the moonlight with a bit too much sexual tension to be written off as nothing.  
  
Ashton seemed to have the same thing in mind, leaning forward just slightly enough for Luke to feel Ashton’s deep breaths on his face. “There’s no one I would have wanted more,” Ashton murmured, words laced with a certain edge that had Luke letting his eyelids hooded in a haze of lust, forgetting all his concerns and anxieties.  
  
Luke unconsciously inched forward, lips parting slightly, half about to protest and half about to give in to the thing he wanted most in life. With no more than two inches between them, a haze of want and need clouding around them, Luke’s heart raced more with every passing second. He closed his eyes to wait for the feeling to hit his lips, excitement bubbling in his stomach, reaching its way up into his throat as he could feel Ashton inching in closer, closer, until-  
  
“HONK,” a car behind them sounded, breaking them apart in an instant, Ashton hastily putting his foot to the gas as the light had likely been green for quite a while. Luke was stunned, panting slightly in the night as he tried to return his breathing to normal as a shudder ran through his body. _What the fuck_ , he thought, eyes wide and unable to keep himself from looking over at Ashton, wondering if he was panicking the same way that Luke was.  
  
On the other side of the car, Ashton seemed calm. Both hands rested on the steering wheel, grip feather light and effortless in the night. No emotion flicked across his face, a fact that annoyed Luke to his core. How could he come that close to kissing him and then act as if nothing had happened at all?  
  
How is it fair that Luke was on the edge of a panic attack and Ashton was acting as if nothing had happened? Luke’s mind raced the rest of the ride back to Ashton’s apartment complex, thoughts circling his head, reminding him that this was his best friend, and this would royally fuck up their relationship for good, that this was NOT how friends acted with one another. Luke’s friends had been saying this for ages; nothing that Luke and Ashton did would be considered normal in the eyes of anyone else. Sharing beds, always in each other’s personal space, tiny compliments when they thought no one was listening, waking up with limbs tangled- these were not things that normal friends did.  
  
Ashton pulled into the parking lot, putting the car in park and unbuckling his seatbelt before reaching behind him to grab the street sign in a slightly too hasty attempt to leave the car. Luke had completely forgotten about the damn street sign, the whole reason that they had gone out tonight. He forced thoughts of Calum back into his head, reminding himself yet again that this was a mission to get Ashton laid, not a chance for Luke to finally declare his undying love for his best friend.  
  
“Lu?” Ashton broke the silence, head tilting slightly under the light in the parking lot as Luke removed himself from his daydreams. “Thank you for coming with me, I appreciate you” he mumbled weakly, reaching out across the car and gently pressing his lips to Luke’s cheek. Before Luke even had a chance to react, Ashton was out of the car, practically skipping into the lobby while Luke sat in stunned silence, the ghost of the lips still vibrating on his skin.  
  
After sitting alone in the parking lot for far longer than necessary, Luke slid back into the driver’s seat, forcing his mind away from the never-ending warmth left from Ashton’s lips. The drive back to his apartment was done on autopilot and before he could register it, Luke was back in his own bed, staring at the red “2:16” of his clock.  
  
The emotions and chaos of the past few hours weighed his brain down, bringing him to a restless sleep far faster than he anticipated.  
  


* * *

  
Luke showed up to teach his second grade class a little worse for wear the day after the adventure, as he was calling it; partially because of the exhaustion and partially due to his clouded head from Ashton’s kiss. His students didn’t seem to mind, in fact they enjoyed their teacher being off his game, taking advantage of being a little too loud and not getting much work done.  
  
Luke was off in a daze, unable to focus on anything other than the feeling of Ashton, the smell of Ashton, everything that was Ashton. Normally, the two men were in constant contact, always texting silly moments from their days, Luke of the work his students did and Ashton of the monotonous nothingness of his retail job. They often didn’t go more than a few hours without speaking, only silence when they were sleeping. Now, it was almost two in the afternoon and Luke had yet to hear from Ashton. Granted, he was the one who left Ashton on read, never replying to the text from the night before asking if he had made it home safe since he had fallen asleep as soon as he hit the pillow. Regardless of how odd the ending of the night went, Ashton had still cared enough to make sure Luke was safe, a gesture that warmed Luke’s heart.  
  
He couldn’t help the stress rising in his throat more and more as the day went on, making it too hard to take a proper breath. The kiss was wrong, it shouldn’t have happened, and it definitely did not help Luke’s slight crush on his friend. Luke tried constantly to remind himself that it was a kiss on the cheek, a far cry from what could have happened if the car behind them hadn't honked at that exact moment. He wondered where Ashton was- if he had given Calum the street sign yet, if they were already fucking in Ashton’s bed. Luke tried to push that thought out of his head, feeling sick that he was thinking about the man he cared so deeply about with another man. He focused on his students as much as he could, trying to accept the distraction, but his brain constantly ran with thoughts of Ashton.  
  
As he neared the end of the day, the panic continued in his stomach, clenching sporadically as thoughts rushed through Luke’s mind, unable to focus on anything for long enough to calm himself down. The room was spinning a little and Luke was straining to concentrate on the shaky edges of the desk ahead of him. Each breath hitched before exiting his body, unable to escape as tears stung his eyes and his hands shook. Every trick his therapist taught him was failing, he was truly feeling as though there was no end to this pain, made exponentially worse by the fact that he was sitting in front of a class of second graders, unknowing of the turmoil going through their teacher’s mind.  
  
He tried his hardest to push through the beginning of what would be his first panic attack in months, but he knew somewhere deep down that he wasn’t going to be able to stop this one. Normally, he would call Ashton to help regulate his breathing and talk through the issue before it got to this point, but how was he supposed to do that when his friend _was_ the issue?  
  
When the end of day announcements were made, Luke’s mind went on autopilot, ushering his twenty kids out of the room to where they would meet their rides home. Children chattered happily next to him, not even noticing the increasing level of panic in their teacher’s eyes. They skipped down the hallway, out into the world around them, much like Luke was wishing he could do right now, anything to get away from the unbearable ache trying to tear through his heart.  
  
Right as he was beginning to feel the tightness in his chest overtake him, coupled with the tears lining his eyes becoming too much to handle, he was pulled out of his haze by his friend Michael, a fourth-grade teacher, lightly grasping his shoulder in an attempt to ground him. “Hey, okay, you’re okay” Michael whispered, trying his hardest to not draw any attention to both of them. Students raced past them, not sparring a second glance at the men. That idea almost made it worse- Luke was in a crowded space with so many people yet no one could see he was suffering. His breaths grew more and more shallow as shudder ran through him, giving Michael a confirmation as to what was happening without Luke having to utter a single word.  
  
“Hey, Luke, okay, can you name five things you can see?” Michael whispered, a natural smile falling to his face as to not alert anyone to what was happening. Even in the midst of his panic, Luke felt an intense wave of appreciation for his friend; he had never been more grateful for having another friend who understood him other than just Ashton.  
  
“Uh, um, uh, Katie’s shoe is untied. Uh… the lockers are blue. The floor is uh, ugly. My pants are dirty, why are they so dirty? Um, uh, _fuck_ , that backpack is pink, I think, maybe red,” Luke stuttered out, desperately trying to focus on what Michael was doing to help him relax.  
  
“Good job, four things you can touch,” Michael prompted again, slightly pushing his hand down harder on Luke’s shoulder to ground him in the moment. “Uh, my jeans, they’re soft. My sweater is, uh, scratchy. Mmmm, your hand is heavy, my hands are dry,” Luke mumbled, eyes flickering open and shut as he focused in and out on the world around them.  
  
“You got it, what’s next?” Michael hummed, stopping momentarily to answer a question from a little one who didn’t know if he missed his bus already. “Hear- Jack is screaming again, your breath is really damn loud,” puling a laugh from Michael, “and that sixth grader is talking about something inappropriate.” Michael snorted again in response, because when wasn’t a sixth grader saying something inappropriate?  
  
“Smell- the stupid disinfectant for the bathroom and your cologne. Taste, pretty sure that’s the taste of blood, but it also just tastes like me being dehydrated,” Luke finished the countdown for himself, feeling significantly more relaxed after the exercise, but now much more exhausted than he was before, having spent all of his energy on backing off the ledge.  
  
“There he is!” Michael grinned, taking Luke’s arm to lead him back to his classroom, almost as if he knew that Luke couldn’t walk on his own. “Thank you so much,” Luke sighed, sitting back at his desk with his head resting on his arms. Tears of appreciation, laced with a little bit of embarrassment, poked at Luke’s eyes again. He willed them away, letting himself bask in the momentary calm before Michael was bound to start asking questions.  
  
“You got it man, I could see you were about to lose it from down the hall,” Michael replied nonchalantly, hopping up to sit on the windowsill. “Now, can you tell me what has you all fucked up?” he asked, swinging his legs to tap against the wood, losing all of his filter now that the students were out of the school.  
  
“Not here,” Luke replied, pulling his belongings out of his desk. “Can we go for a drive instead?” he asked, flashing a slightly exhausted but pleading smile at his friend. Michael agreed easily, rising to get his own stuff from his classroom with a promise to meet Luke in the parking lot shortly.  
  
Despite his want to curl up in a ball and hide under his desk, Luke met Michael by the cars, a silent conversation passing between them both until they agreed on taking Michael’s car. After kicking the trash off the passenger seat, Luke shrunk down into the seat and laid his head back, willing his mind to forget about all the crap that had happened in the previous day.  
  
A bit into the drive, Michael pressed a heavy hand to Luke’s thigh, the feeling much different than Ashton’s had been the night before, an unexpected weight reminding him of what he can’t have. Luke hated the way that his mind connected everything to Ashton, unable to separate life with and without him. Michael pressed harder, a reminder that Luke wasn’t alone, he had someone here who cared for him. If there was one thing that Luke appreciated about Michael, it was his ability to know exactly what Luke needed, when he needed it.  
  
“Do you know what caused this one?” Michael whispered after Luke had managed to breathe a little more calmly, focusing on the trees passing by as they flew down the back roads. Michael knew that he had needed to be in the car, not driving, but moving, to settle his panicking heart completely. Michael had been Luke’s best friend for all of college after they ended up rooming together in their first year and instantly hit it off, both education majors now working for the same school not too far outside their college town. Luke relied on him heavily, the two were bonded in a way that Luke never thought he would find in another, until he met Ashton.  
  
Michael didn’t necessarily enjoy Ashton’s presence, but he would do just about anything to see his best friend happy. He listened to Luke’s incessant ranting about the other man, the stories of how their nights had ended in cuddles and confused feelings. Michael was there through it all, no matter how much he wanted to slap some sense into Luke on a regular basis.  
  
“Uh. I did something stupid last night” Luke replied, wringing his hands together with nerves.  
  
“You do that a lot,” Michael teased lightly, smiling over at his friend, quickly turning to a frown when he noticed Luke’s hesitance. “Hey, you know I won’t judge you for whatever happened, just get it out there,” Michael assured, tapping his fingers where they laid against Luke’s thigh.  
  
“Well Ashton is in love with Calum so we stole a street sign for him and then I almost ruined it all by letting my anxiety get the best of me and then we almost kissed at a stoplight but he ended up kissing my cheek when I dropped him off at his apartment and now I haven’t talked to him all day and I’m so afraid that we fucked something up,” Luke blabbered, words running into each other in an effort to get them off his lips as soon as possible.  
  
A beat of complete silence passed, Luke unsure if he should look at Michael or jump out of the moving car while he still had the chance. “Wait you did WHAT?” Michael gaped, mouth wide open in awe. “Donttttttt,” Luke whined, throwing his head back against the cloth seat, “I know all of it was stupid but everything about Ashton makes me an idiot.”  
  
Luke knew that Michael was trying his hardest not to make a snide comment back at that, accepting that Luke would always be putty in Ashton’s hands. But this, this was a bit more than the normal shenanigans Luke and Ashton got up to. “Okay, what part do we want to focus on?” Michael breathed, nodding his head as he digested the words. “I don’t even want to talk about anything with the kisses now, I just want you to tell me that I need to get over him,” Luke groaned, scrubbing his hands over his face.  
  
“Listen, I can’t tell you how to feel. This kid isn’t exactly good for you, I’ve been saying that since the beginning. This stunt seems like he’s fucking with your feelings again. It’s not fair that he does this to you, he has to know that you like him by now! Maybe this will actually be good for you, him getting Calum and stopping his rampage of your emotions,” Michael shrugged, flicking his focus from Luke to the road ahead.  
  
Luke rolled his eyes, knowing that Michael was right, to some extent. He deserved someone better, who wasn’t going to play games with him and constantly toe the line of friends and more. He needed someone who was all in, regardless of the situation, ready to show him off to the world and give him everything he ever imagined. That someone couldn’t be Ashton; they obviously weren’t meant to be together in this lifetime. But it was hard, imagining him with anyone else. His arms wrapped around another, pressing kisses into someone else’s hairline between the sheets. Sharing secrets and drinks and memories of the past. Luke wanted more than anything for that person to be him, but he was on the cusp of being able to accept that wouldn’t happen.  
  
“I know, I know. Maybe this will actually help me get over him. Look, I haven’t even texted him back today! I’m trying to cut him off, for my own sanity” Luke laughed, shoving his phone in Michael’s face. “Well, you spoke too soon,” Michael replied, pushing his phone back to show Luke the unopened message from Ashton, the red circle haunting Luke’s vision. He pouted, slightly happy that he hadn’t been the one to break and text first, Ashton beat him to it.  
  
Ashton never gave in easily, always joking about replacing everyone in his life and starting fresh- a joke that Luke hated, but understood. Ashton’s life until this point hadn’t exactly been easy for him, effectively being kicked out of his home when he went away to college and never allowed to return again. He was used to cutting ties now, removing auxiliary individuals from his circle without a second thought. Secretly, Luke was always nervous for the day when Ashton would realize he didn’t need Luke anymore and would hold true to his promise of starting a new life somewhere else where no one knew his name.  
  
Sighing, Luke tapped on Ashton’s name, bringing up the message. It was a simple two-word text, though the tiny “I’m sorry” threw knives into Luke’s heart. Michael leaned over to look at the screen, huffing at the message in front of him. “See, the guy knows how to manipulate you. I bet he coerced you into going with him last night too,” Michael sighed, rolling his eyes slightly. It wasn’t that he was wrong, Luke thought, but he also had the free will to do what he wanted. Ashton didn’t control him. Maybe that was a lie and both of them knew it, but neither said a word.  
  
Luke sent back a simple “Why are you sorry,” no question mark intentionally, giving away a little of his frustration. Luke’s finger hovering over the send button for longer than necessary, the uncertainty of this conversation bringing up his anxiety again, throat constricting with a strange mixture of guilt and anticipation.  
  
“Can we go get some food?” Michael interjected, bringing Luke out of his thoughts long enough to hear the tail end of Michael’s stomach growling. “Only if you’re paying,” Luke smiled back at his friend, forgetting about the drama in his phone and the pit in his stomach long enough to abandon his device in favor of his friendship, but not before sending the message to Ashton.  
  


* * *

  
A little later, Michael had returned Luke to the school parking lot to retrieve his car when Luke finally remembered to check his messages. Littered amongst messages from others were two notifications from Ashton, timestamped a few hours prior. Luke opened them, fully expecting to see some random meme or anything to deflect from the serious nature of the conversation they had been having before.  
  
Instead, he found a neatly written paragraph: “I hope I didn’t mess things up between us. You’re my best friend, I’m sorry I don’t tell you that enough. I promise that I won’t let things with Calum get between us, I just want us to be okay.” Alongside the message was a picture of a distraught looking Ashton, cuddled up in what Luke was sure was his hoodie, pouting at the camera with just his hazel eyes peeking out from the hood.  
  
Luke’s emotions flicked between adoration, desperation, and rejection. Of course Calum was still in the picture, Ashton did something illegal for him, so Luke was foolish to think that he was going to get Ashton that easily. He basked in the notion that Ashton took the time to appreciate him, he thrived when he knew that he was well liked. But the sting of it all came when he really thought that the almost kiss meant something. It was nothing more than a kiss on the cheek, by far not the worst thing that Ashton had ever done to him. It was the thought of what was before it, the near picture-perfect moment that was ruined by the car honking. He wanted it to mean something more. Clearly it didn’t, so Luke needed to move on. He had to, for his own sanity.  
  
Unsure how to respond to something so confusing, Luke opted for a simple “we’re fine.” to Ashton, sinking down in the driver’s seat of his own car. _Ashton was sitting here last night_ , Luke’s mind taunted, a cruel reminder of the exhaustion that was seeping into his bones. Why was he continually reminded of the one person he was never allowed to have?  
  
That’s how he found himself on Tinder, swiping away at the potential matches on his list. Men and women alike flew across the screen, no one meeting the mental checklist that Luke had created. Reducing one’s entire being down to enough to fit in a bio seemed cold, as there was something missing from each one. Luke wanted an immediate spark, something to make his heart race and palms sweat. He wanted to look at someone and just know that they were the one, which he realistically knew was not going to happen on Tinder. Instead, maybe one of these people would be able to offer a one-night stand, maybe a little more if he tried hard enough, but he really didn’t want that.  
  
He just wanted Ashton. No one would ever compare.  
  


* * *

  
A few days passed uneventfully. Luke continued his quest to find someone, anyone, to take away the sting that Ashton left. He felt foolish, knowing that he shouldn’t be reacting this way due to his best friend, but he couldn’t help the empty feeling that found a home in his chest. He struggled to keep up the normal conversations with strangers on dating apps, every message feeling insignificant compared to the dull ache lingering in his heart.  
  
Ashton continued to make sure things were normal, a trivial detail that Luke appreciated, especially when he hadn’t been the nicest to the other man since dropping him off at his apartment. He couldn’t help it; he was trying to pull away from the dark-haired man, saving as much of his heart as he could in the process, knowing that there was someone else out there who was taking up more of Ashton’s mind. Someone Ashton _liked_ more than Luke.  
  
A storm raged outside Luke’s apartment, rain pelting down in sheets as it rinsed away the remnants of the days before. It had been pouring all afternoon, Luke electing to stay in that night and watch Netflix rather than braving the outdoors for any reason. His small apartment was littered with candles and comfort, keeping him cuddled up on the couch with his dog, Petunia, all evening.  
  
At the end of his third or fourth consecutive episode of Criminal Minds, Luke padded to the kitchen, bare feet tickled by the carpet, clad in nothing more than a pair of sweatpants. At almost midnight, he was still too wired to sleep, instead opting to find a snack. Petunia tapped along behind him, huffing at the force it took to move herself across the room. Every cabinet came up boring, nothing interesting to eat as Luke contemplated ordering pizza for delivery but felt too guilty forcing another human out in the storm when he was too lazy to leave himself.  
  
Instead, Luke heard the gentle tap of someone’s knuckles against the wood of his front door. Petunia let out a low bark, just loud enough to be intimidating but not loud enough to annoy Luke’s neighbors. His immediate reaction was self-defense, the idea of an unsub being drilled into his mind by the show paused on his TV. Regardless of the panic flooding his mind at an unexpected guest, he pulled a hoodie over his head before checking the peep hole and unlocking the door.  
  
Standing on the other side, head hanging low and slightly covered in a damp hood, was Ashton.  
  
Luke cautiously pulled the door open, knowing very well that Ashton never arrived without notice. He thought back to the five years they had known each other, and every visit was first approved before he had arrived. The nerves in Luke’s gut jumped as a sense of uncertainty landed heavy in its place.  
  
Ashton’s head rose slightly at the click of the door opening, slightly red rimmed eyes wary in the pale-yellow light. “I’m sorry I came unannounced, are you busy?” he sighed, face crumbling almost unnoticeably under Luke’s stare. Luke swung the door open further, waving the man into his apartment. Petunia trotted to Ashton, tongue hanging in glee at one of her favorite people coming into her home. Ashton almost immediately fell to the floor, kneeling in front of the dog and throwing his face into her soft skin, rubbing her back gently.  
  
Luke grew more anxious by the second, unable to formulate a reason as to why Ashton was currently laying on his kitchen floor. Did someone die? Did his apartment get robbed? Pulling himself from his worries, Luke stepped around Ashton and Petunia, unsure of what to do in the moment, feeling like a stranger in his own home.  
  
Ashton toed off his muddy shoes in the entryway and continuing into the apartment and into the living room, plopping himself down on his designated side of Luke’s couch. Luke frowned, feeling even more out of place as Ashton made himself at home, barely even acknowledging that something was wrong. His damp hoodie clung to his arms, though when Luke looked hard enough, he recognized the material as his own, pausing for a moment to wonder when it had migrated from his own closet to Ashton’s.  
  
“Let me get you something warmer and less uh, wet,” Luke offered, already turning to go down the hallway to his room. He mentally decided to use this opportunity to figure out what he was going to say to Ashton. While riffling through his sweatshirt, Luke debated the possible outcomes. With not knowing why Ashton was here, there were so many endless possibilities in the horizon. Luke’s ever working mind was coming up with the worst options, not allowing himself to accept that maybe Ashton was over just to visit.  
  
The logical part of Luke knew that it had to be something to do with Calum. After five years of friendship, Luke knew Ashton’s mannerisms like the back of his hand. His kicked puppy look was one exclusive to confusion and desperation, though there was something else hidden in his eyes that Luke couldn’t place. He knew he had seen Ashton like this many times, but he couldn’t wrap his head around what was to come.  
  
Instead, he steeled himself to ask the questions he about what had happened between Ashton and Calum, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. With a final sigh, Luke chose a hoodie and returned to the living room, finding Ashton shirtless and hanging his damp clothes over a barstool to dry. Luke willed his throat to remember how to swallow, immediately losing all ability to speak as he begged his mind to stop staring at him, god dammit.  
  
Ashton nodded his appreciation as Luke thrust the sweatshirt at him, both settling back into their places on the couch in a thick silence. “I hate this episode, any time a serial killer hurts a kid, I just wanna hit them,” Ashton offered, smiling weakly at the paused tv screen in front of them. Luke wanted to hit Ashton in that moment, wanted to beg for him to just address the elephant in the room and stop stalling.  
  
Eventually, Ashton let out a deep sigh, settling his head back against the top of the couch, absentmindedly patting Petunia from where she was sitting between the two men. “I know, I need to talk,” Ashton offered, shoulders drooping in resignation for what was to come. “You don’t have to,” Luke offered, turning slightly in his seat so he could get a better look at Ashton and the dog.  
  
Ashton looked utterly exhausted, purple bruises rimming his eyes as if he hadn’t slept in a few days. His hair was greasy, and his lips bitten raw, he was the picture of a mess. Luke had only seen him like this once, years before when he was particularly distraught over missing his sister’s birthday, though he wasn’t welcomed at his family home anyways. Ashton had nearly made himself sick with guilt and contemplation until Luke had forced him to shower, eat, and sleep.  
  
Luke wanted so desperately to reach out and card a hand through Ashton’s dark curls, holding onto him until he was ready to speak. Instead, Luke sat silently, waiting until the other man had worked up the courage to say whatever it was that was hurting his mind.  
  
In time, Ashton’s eyes flickered up, silently pleading with Luke for an answer that he didn’t know. His internal struggles came through the emptiness in his eyes, scaring Luke more and more as the seconds dragged on into minutes. Luke wished he was brave enough to just ask what was going on, but at the same time, knew that prodding Ashton wouldn’t do any good in the moment.  
  
“I, uh, gave Calum the sign,” Ashton breathed into the emptiness, words slightly hollow in emotion. Luke gave him a moment to continue, but when he didn’t, he spoke in a slightly forced tone. “And? What happened?” he urged, reaching out to pet Petunia too, carefully avoiding Ashton’s hands where they were on the dog.  
  
“Well, at first he was speechless. He looked so happy and told me it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. It was awesome, and I thought my plan was going to work. Fuck, I really thought I had it. But then a girl came up behind him, someone I hadn’t seen before. They uh… are dating. Her name is Taylor? Or Tracey? Something with a T, I didn’t catch it after he said girlfriend,” Ashton finished, eyes closed but fluttering as he seemingly relived the memory.  
  
_Oh_. Luke suddenly understood all of the emotions in the air; the pain from the rejection, discomfort from putting his heart on his sleeve, the betrayal from being led on, and the overall deep sadness rooted in Ashton’s brain. Luke was almost at a loss for words, suffocated by the disdain and annoyance he had on behalf of his friend, yet holding on to the slight happiness that floated through him.  
  
“Oh Ash, I’m so sorry. That’s shitty,” Luke began, not knowing where he was going to go with his following sentences. Ashton just let out a humorless laugh, reaching up to wipe a hand down his face. “I’m like, not even mad, I just didn’t expect it! We flirted all the time, I really thought that I was reading the signs right,” he spoke from behind his palm. “I just feel like an idiot,” Ashton finished, closing his eyes again.  
  
“Fuck him, you’re not an idiot,” Luke began, ferocity in his words. “Calum doesn’t know what he’s missing. You’re too good for him anyways,” Luke reminded, a small nod punctuating the words. Ashton turned his head, giving Luke a bashful smile. “Yeah, you think so?” he murmured, eyes softening with something Luke didn’t recognize.  
  
“Of course I do, anybody would be lucky to have you, especially when you’re doing shit like stealing street signs for them!” Luke laughed, fingers accidentally tapping against Ashton’s hand as they both continued to absent mindedly pet the dog. Luke almost recoiled at the contact, but instead, Ashton’s hand came up and over Luke’s, sandwiching Luke’s hand between his and Petunia. Luke’s stomach fluttered as he willed his blush to stay away, though he knew it wouldn’t be incredibly noticeable in the dim light.  
  
“I guess all I need is you then, huh, with all your flattery. Why don’t we just get together already and save us both the trouble of finding someone else to kill our time with,” Ashton hummed, looking up at the ceiling with glazed eyes. Luke had to fight the low sob that wanted to escape from his throat, hearing the man that he so desperately wanted to be with joking about being with him as if it was casual nothingness to him.  
  
There was a rush of emotions through Luke’s brain, effectively freezing all basic operations as he tried to comprehend what just came out of Ashton’s mouth. Every fiber of Luke’s being wanted to scream _that’s all I’ve ever wanted, you goof!_ but he bit his tongue to avoid ruining his friendship. Instead, he focused on keeping his voice steady and light, wanting to play off Ashton’s joke in the same way to avoid further embarrassment.  
  
“I’m not going to be your rebound, Ash,” Luke chastised, a small smile trying to prove that he wasn’t truly annoyed, though knives sliced through every fiber of his being. His hand was growing slightly sweaty between Ashton’s and Petunia’s fur, but the constant pressure reminded him that this was real life.  
  
“I know, but like, you wouldn’t be a rebound. You're end game, love,” Ashton replied, with too much sincerity in his eyes causing Luke to recoil. “Don’t joke about that,” Luke spoke lowly, distaste covering his features as much as he wanted to keep his frustrations a secret. He wished Ashton wouldn’t play with his emotions like this; it was almost as if he was making fun of him. If Ashton knew Luke’s feelings, he wouldn’t dangle false hope above his head, just out of his reach. Yet, the nonchalant mention of being it for Ashton, the final person, stung Luke’s eyes with unreasonable tears. He willed himself to get it together, frustrated with his inability to keep his emotions in check in important moments.  
  
“I’m not joking!” Ashton insisted, rolling his head to look directly at Luke with an expression bordering on frustrated, though Luke couldn’t comprehend why. “Why would I joke about this? End game is serious, I could spend the rest of my life with you, let’s just get married already” he confirmed, eyes narrowing at the man sitting across from him with a constant coolness icing over his words.  
  
Heat pooled in Luke’s stomach, desire for the one thing he always wanted pushing its way into his brain, trying desperately to overpower his brain screaming at him to _stop, to just take a damn second and think about what you’re saying before you screw this up again._  
  
“Yeah yeah yeah, how many other people are you saying that to,” Luke tried to joke, falling short when Ashton’s face grew more frustrated. The unexpected emotion left Luke cold, uncomfortable at the reality of the situation unfolding in front of him. Ashton had come here for comfort and support, but instead Luke was picking a fight, just like he always did. Luke was ever trying to protect his heart, building up walls of false anger and accusations that left cracks in the cement that was his friendship with Ashton.  
  
“Dammit Luke, I’m trying to be serious here!” Ashton groaned, pulling his hand off of the blonde man’s. His brows were knit together, anger seeping through Ashton’s typically calm demeanor. Luke was puzzled, the sincerity finding an abnormal place in their conversation.  
  
“Ash, I don’t understand. I’m not marrying you; I’m not getting married to someone who I don’t love,” Luke tried, forcing the words from his mouth though they tasted sour and went against everything he ever wanted. He did love Ashton; he was sure of it. Hell, he knew he was in love with Ashton, far past the platonic love that he had begun with all those years ago, even if he had never actually admitted that to himself or anyone else. He didn’t know how much he would come to regret the words if they were to fall from his lips so carelessly. He refused to let his best friend use his heart as a stomping ground, a place to deposit his pain until he was ready to move on to someone new.  
  
“Oh so you don’t love me? Why the fuck am I here then,” Ashton spit, beginning to pull himself off of the couch. The tattoos on his arm flexed with the movements, momentarily distracting Luke from his internal quest to figure out how this all went so wrong.  
  
“Are you really getting mad at me because I won’t marry you? Because that sounds like the stupidest thing you’ve ever been mad at,” Luke replied, sitting up straighter. Confusion swept over him, not understanding why Ashton was suddenly so adamant about marrying him and why he had become so frustrated by Luke’s denial. This offhand joke should not have put him in such a negative mindset, though Luke reasoned that Ashton didn’t often make much sense, exhibit A being where he stole a street sign for someone that he wasn’t even seeing yet.  
  
“No, it’s not because you won’t marry me, it’s because you don’t love me!” Ashton fought, throwing his hands up and through his dark curls as he started to collect himself in an effort to leave the apartment. “You just really told me you don’t love me as if it was the easiest phrase in the entire world, as if it meant nothing to you! I mean nothing to you, while you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me,” Ashton breathed, voice falling to just a whisper as he got to the last words, eyes closed as if he was trying to hold back tears.  
  
Luke sat awestruck, never hearing such a meaningful sentiment fall from Ashton’s lips. He didn’t know what to say, tossing words around in his head got nowhere as there was no response that could ever measure up to the feeling he had in his chest when Ashton said he was the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Luke tried to place those words in a friendly way, desperately trying to connect the dots to find the platonic sentiment behind them.  
  
“Ash, of course I love you,” Luke started, pulling on the sleeve of his own hoodie, though it may have belonged to Ashton once upon a time. The frayed edges of the fabric were weathered beneath his touch, allowing him to focus on something other than the glint of what actually appeared to be tears in Ashton’s eyes. “You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life,” Luke tacked on, pushing down the phrase _I’m in love with you_ from jumping through his teeth. “I’m sorry I made you upset, I’m supposed to be helping you after Calum, not making things worse.”  
  
Ashton laughed dryly, tilting his head to the ceiling as if to look for answers to questions that he didn’t know he was asking. “Are you really that dense, Luke?” Ashton questioned, taking deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth, doing his chapped lips no favors with the extra air flow. Luke was vaguely hurt by the statement, unsure what information he could possibly be missing right now, brain working over every second of the last ten minutes, trying desperately to figure out the point of tension. Ashton came to his apartment upset over Calum. Luke tried to make things better through some poorly worded jokes. Now, Ashton is suddenly on the verge of tears again, but this time he was frustrated at _Luke_? Luke bit his lip in an attempt to stop from saying another stupid comment that would potentially end their friendship, but Ashton spoke sooner.  
  
“You don’t get that I’d do anything for you,” Ashton added, turning back to sit against the plush couch, sitting rigidly with his shoulders squared. “You’re the first person I run to whenever I need anything. There’s no one I’d rather spend all my time with, no one I’d rather be with when things go to shit. I’ve never felt more at home than I do laying on your bed, wrapped up in your arms. And now I’m fucking it all up and it sucks but it sucks more to hold it back from you,” Ashton whined, pinching the bridge of his nose.  
  
Luke’s eyes widened as he stopped fiddling with his sweatshirt sleeve. His mind went blank, truly unable to process how those words had just came out of Ashton’s mouth. Thoughts suddenly swirled through his mind, conflicting notions of _he’s lying!_ followed by _this is what you’ve been waiting for all along_! Ashton’s head was hung low, Luke unable to see his eyes to scope out how truthful his statement was. Even without the confirmation, Luke could feel the sincerity in Ashton’s voice, folding over him in warm waves.  
  
“But, Calum-“ Luke started, not being able to get the idea further than that before Ashton was speaking over him.  
  
“Yeah, Calum was gonna be a great distraction from you, I probably could have actually liked him if I tried hard enough. More than anything, he was going to be a great guy to make out with, have you seen his lips?” Ashton huffed, leaning back against the couch fully, a little less tense than he had been moments before. “But he wouldn’t be you, Luke.”  
  
No daydream could ever prepare Luke for the feeling of being told exactly what he’s wanted to hear for over five years of his life. No one ever warned him about the state of denial his mind instantly went into, willing himself to believe that every word from Ashton’s lips were a lie. He would never be ready for the sight of the man he loved confessing every word that he always wanted to hear. There was no manual that explained how he was supposed to react in this moment, no guidelines for the conflicting feelings crashing into each other in his mind. He didn’t know if he was alive or if he had died and gone to heaven, as absolutely cliché as that sounded. Or maybe even hell if this was all some sick joke.  
  
Luke pinched his own arm, _hard_.  
  
“Did you actually just pinch yourself?” Ashton breathed out in astonishment, unable to hold in what Luke was able to identify as pure adoration seeping through his expression, laced with just a tiny bit of apprehension.  
  
Luke shook his head, willing himself to wake up from what he could only assume was an insane dream. “I’m trying to wake myself up,” he replied lamely, settling his shaking hands down on his thighs. A flash of hurt crossed Ashton’s face, with Luke realizing he had an impeccable habit for always saying the wrong things.  
  
“I’m trying to make sure that this is real and not my brain living out my wildest dream,” he quickly corrected, sliding closer to where Ashton was seated. “Wow that was so fucking cheesy,” Ashton cackled, throwing his head back slightly at the thought. Petunia hopped off the couch, huffing angrily at the loud noise and movement disturbing her slumber. A thick blush crawled up Luke’s cheeks, resting all the way to his ears. “Stoppppp,” he whined, burying his head in Ashton’s shoulder.  
  
With tentative hands, Ashton shifted Luke’s weight up, pulling his head up slowly to look him in the eyes. The blue eyes flashed with uncertainty, still not quite grasping that this was real, _like Ashton was really about to fucking kiss you, pay attention Luke!_ Ashton leaned down, closing his eyes at the last moment as he felt Luke’s lips touch his.  
  
As much as he imagined there would be sparks, fireworks, and an immediate rush of adrenaline, Luke felt none of those things. Instead, the kiss felt familiar, home welcoming him back after months of being away. There was no urgency, no pressure, and no discomfort. Kissing Ashton felt like he had been doing this all his life- like they were meant to be doing this for the rest of their lives. Luke allowed Ashton to deepen the kiss slightly, just to where it would border being too much for the situation, but enough to prove that this is real, something that both of them had been secretly wanting.  
  
When they finally pulled apart, lightly gasping for air, Ashton couldn’t help the enthusiastic smile that formed over his swollen lips. “Fuck, you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do that,” he laughed, leaning forwards and pushing Luke back to lay down across the couch. Luke smirked, dimple prominent as he grazed his teeth over his darkened lips.  
  
“There’s something I need from you before we do that again,” Luke cooed, lightly running a knuckle across Ashton’s cheek. Ashton simply hummed in response, leaning slightly into Luke’s touch with a content look on his face. “What’s that?” Ashton replied, bringing his hand up to push a curl away from Luke’s eyes.  
  
“Now you need to steal a street sign for me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on Tumblr [lifewasradical](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com)


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